Constant Gardener

Spoiler Warning.

Let me start this review with a letter I am fully intent on sending:

Dear Focus Features,
I just watched Constant Gardener, and first and foremost I must say “Bravo for releasing the first film from your company in a million years that isn’t dominated by pointless scenes of people staring. Jolly good."
I would also like to thank you for releasing a movie that is kind of like Hotel Rwanda (a damn good movie in and of itself) but with caucasian heroes, which is kind of weird and squeamishly unpleasant if you think about it. It makes you glad you don’t live in Africa while at the same time thinking Why the hell are there parts of the world like this? Tell me the solution so I can fix it. Good job casting, by the way. Ralph Fiennes did such a good job of playing a huge pussy driven to courage by guilt and anger. Seriously, if he had rolled over in the face of indignity one more time I would have stabbed my eyes out with a pen. Rachel Weisz: faaaabulous. Every cheeky comment she made to stuffy, overly important men made me happy a little inside.
I was so glad you filmed on location in Kenya. How else would you have done it, I guess, but all those real people made it cut so much deeper. The little children, the young mothers. Sigh. What’s that solution again?
I also liked the sex collages. It really made me think of cool sheets and soft skin, and not the stinky sticky sweatiness that sex usually is. Well done.
Things I hated: The teasing. Breast feeding the black baby? Could you please make my heart ache a little more? But it was all a farce, wasn’t it? The “marriage of convenience” talk. Damn you for making me doubt Tessa. Damn you. I also hated the way that you showed Ralph Fiennes just shifting his eyes around a lot. We get it. He was confused and distraught. Don’t belittle his ability. Did you see the English Patient?! Well, I didn’t, but he did get nominated for an Oscar for it! He didn’t actually win, but that’s beside the point. Its demeaning, damn it! I also could have done without the whole “crucified-guy-with-his-own-detached-manhood-in-his-mouth” thing. Could have gone my whole life without that mental picture, thanks.
Long story short, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the sadness, and the grossness. I enjoyed the paranoia I shared with Justin. However, I didn’t walk away from it like I did with the other movies that it seemed to be reminiscent of, like Hotel Rwanda, or Schindler’s List for that matter. I walked away from those movies aching for change. For a time machine, or insurmountable cosmic power. This made me sad, a bit queasy, but in the end I didn’t feel what I know that I was supposed to feel. Maybe that’s me, and not you. But I don’t think so.
I promise to forgive you for ever so slightly missing the mark if you will please never make another Broken Flowers.

Sincerely,
Joon

Joon gives The Constant Gardener the rating of Huh…because I just wasn’t blown away. And damn it, I expect cinematic perfection. Especially for a movie that is supposed to impart such human importance.